I can hardly see straight.
I don't think my meds are right for me.
Fuck.
My next appointment with Dr. Valko isn't for another 7 days. I don't know if I can hold on that long. I really don't have a choice, so I must...but it will be hard.
My husband is not being supportive of me at all right now. He is so wrapped up in himself being the victim of everything that he can't see that I am drowning and am screaming for him to hold onto me. I tell him that I am scared. He knows of my abandonment fears, and I feel like he plays on them. He plays unfair. Sometimes I think that he hates me and keeps me around for the convenience of food, sex, and maid. But then I realize that my food sucks, as does my sex, and the maid part I am not so good at. So whatever. I am just rambling.
I want to (and do) cry all of the time. I am seriously down. I hate this shit. I wish that bipolar disorder could be cured...I know that my bpd (borderline) can be but that will take years and years. I am dealing with too much right now to be under the pressure of these hideous disorders.
Once again, I am just rambling. So I will go.
- Location:here
- Mood:
depressed - Music:Sam Roberts- Bridge to Nowhere
Speaking of my yoga tapes/DVDs; I have 7 or 8 now...at least it never gets boring. I always have options.
I have been doing lo-impact aerobics in-home as well...but I would really like to find something that takes me out of the house. Maybe some kind of sports league or something. I don't know. I will have to think on that.
As soon as I post this, I am going to try to find some kind of community for exercise support and whatnot. I hope I find a good one. Sometimes you just want a good support system for your exercise and to be a good support system for others.
Have a great day!!!
- Location:here
- Mood:
energetic - Music:Glenn Gould- Aria
I feel nuts lately. I have all of the drive and determination to achieve my personal goals...but every chance I get, I sabotage myself. Purposefully. I am fully aware of what I am doing when I am doing it. I don't get it, and am frustrated beyond all belief.
- Location:here
- Mood:
moody - Music:Syndicate of Sound- Little Girl
I need people who understand. Unfortunately, no one around here does. They have best intentions, really they do. It just doesn't count for much when it just pushes you deeper into your own sick self.
I will be back with a vengeance. I will be writing all the time, because I find that it helps instead of hinders (which is my fear).
Oh yeah, also I have been having some crazy issues lately that I must get into because it is nuts and I have no one to talk to about it, so maybe if I just type it all out I can figure it out myself.
- Location:here
- Mood:
crazy - Music:Bambix- Annie
- Location:here
- Mood:
calm
I love my daughter!
Ciao!
- Location:here
- Mood:
amused
I hate myself.
Everyone hates me.
I feel bruised inside today.
For a second I felt like dying.
Knocking my head against the figurative wall.
- Mood: depressed
Hopefully I will feel better this afternoon after a lovely session with the good ol' doc.
- Location:here
- Mood:
scared - Music:silence
Nothing very inetresting has been happening as of late. I never did update on that last post of mine. Oh well...
An old friend of mine came into town this week. It's really funny actually, because he and I were never what you would call friends. He dated a good friend of mine. We only actually got to get together a few times, and he and I didn't really get to talk or anything. For some reason though, we have kept sporadic contact over the past 5 or so years. When he comes into town we always vow to get together, but never do. This time we actually did! We met at Panera for lunch. Mmmmm...Panera...
I walked in and knew that it would start to get busy seeing as it was peak lunch time, so I chose a booth. I called him up and told him where I was sitting so that he wouldn't have to worry about finding me in a crowded restaurant. I sat quietly then for about 7-8 minutes reading my novel when I (by chance) looked at my phone. I saw that he called 3 times. I called him right away. He said that he had walked by and couldn't find me. I stood up and looked around, saw him, and then waved him over. He had walked by me and never noticed that it was me. Too funny! We got up and ordered right away. I swear I was faint with hunger. We sat down to eat and talk and all of that wonderful bullshit that I don't get enough of. It had been so long since he had actually seen my face that he just couldn't believe it. I am not sure if this is a good thing yet. For my own sanity, we'll just say that it is. I could have talked for hours. This is something that I tend to do seeing as I am a 
. He is very content to sit back and watch me talk for a long time, so it seems like this works out for both of us. Also it is a HUGE plus that I told him (without giving grand details) of having a complete meltdown and being on my "crazy" drugs, and he didn't even blink over it. Unfortunately for us, I had to go pick up my nephew. Crap. I really wish that I could have seen him more while he was here. We did try to get together for a drink last night, but it didn't work out. What will be will be.
We have promised to keep in touch with our emails, so at least it will be nice to talk back and forth pen-pal style until he gets to come back for another visit.
- Location:here
- Mood: ecstatic
- Music:Soundtrack For Our Movie, by Mae
Normally, I find myself quite normal. To me anyways. I have been diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder with Borderline Personality Disorder for as long as I can remember. Lately, I think that I have found myself quite strange. This won't make sense to anyone but myself, but I think that it is because my medications are correct. I think that I may be feeling a bit like "regular" people feel and I am not sure if I like it or not. This doesn't make sense, but I would really like to write on it so that I can get it down without thinking about it. Just get it out and then read it later to see how well I comprehend it at that time.
- Location:bedroom
- Mood:
weird - Music:silence
I really miss my friends. I miss them horribly. I miss being stupid and carefree and all of that great youthful bullshit.
I'm not a woman anymore-
I know that the above was written for Saturday Night Live years ago in a commercial mock, but sometimes it rings so true that it is deafening.
I talked with a friend recently. I miss her. I know I touched on that already (about missing friends), but it was really great to see her. We went to the crappiest Big Boy in town. I ordered coffee and a side order of corn. My corn(s) were super delish! She got OJ and fries. I looked like crapola because I had my work out clothes on from that morning, and I had just gotten my massage. I must have been a mess. God love her for being seen in public with me.
I had a dream. In the dream I was in a bar with a woman (who in my dream was my girlfriend). In real life I have never seen her, so my mind made her up. Anyways, now I have this gargantuan crush on the dream lady. My poor husband. If only he knew. Here I am pining away for a dream.
- Location:bedroom
- Mood: amused
- Music:Daysleeper, by R.E.M.
Your feet are so cold
it is like you came home from the moon
without any shoes on
...and that, my friends, is why I am so in love with that man. To you it may sound funny, but to me it was pure poetry on a beautiful chilly night under the comforter.
- Location:home
- Mood: calm
- Music:Sins Of My Father, by Tom Waits
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